Let’s sit down, internet friend, and have a chat.
I feel like, if you come here, you kind of already sort of know me. I like to think that - as random as they might be - the glimpses of life here are true and accurate depictions of real events. Not tested on animals, BPH free.
I got caught in the middle of my Disney posts there wanting to say a few things, and yet not wanting to interrupt the Disney posts. Ah well, too late now. Hehe. Keep scrollin’ down for more Disney! But in the meantime, I am here to clear my head a bit.
March. Has been tough for me. Gotta just lay that right out there. The end of February, even. It feels like the whirlwind had really reached uncontrollable proportions. And it was more of an internal whirlwind than anything else. Lots of things. Lots of tasks. Lots of pressure, and some frustration, and stress. Lots (another honesty point here) of my own needs and wants going unmet. Read on for more here.
I have thought a couple of times of the beginning of Yeat’s poem:
Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
And I have felt that things must be coming close to falling apart. I have thought a couple of times that I could actually FEEL things coming apart.
You know in the game of Tetris, when the blocks are falling all around you and you can’t concentrate long enough on only one thing to make any difference? Turn turn turn, and ah! I missed it. Dang. Here’s another one! Dang. And! Dang. Lots of games are like that - piling and piling faster and faster until — you lose. You only end the game by losing. What kind of crappy games are those, anyway? I have come to hate those kind of games. ;) Why play Tetris when I can just wake up in the morning, right?
Now please don’t take this as all negativity - it isn’t! If it weren’t worth it, I wouldn’t have lasted this long before finally needing to make some decisions. And if I didn’t care, down to my guts, I would have found a way to walk away. Nothin’ doing. What I’m doing now is too important, and too much a part of what I WANT to do, that I don’t think drastic change (not shavin’ the ol’ head or getting a new tat or closing up shop or anything) is really what’s needed here, but just … I don’t know, adding a few more cars to the engine? Still working on the metaphor here.
I’ve been in an interesting position these past few months, wanting so much to be a personal part of all that goes on at the web site, and in the digital scrapbooking world, to share the love and the creative freedom and the knowledge, to partner with other companies and reallly make some great things happen that can change the world (and change a life or two in the process). I still think that I can do these things. SOME of them. ;) I really do think that I’m still roughly on the path I was meant to be on. That I feel that the Lord wants me to be on. Truly.
But I’m at a point right now, where I need to make some decisions - some specific decisions as to what to do next, and it’s scary. Because despite the fact that we have an incredible team, we are only a small handful of people, and all (except Jared and I - and even he works a full time job and then comes home to work some more) are part-time.
We’ve grown to the point where we need help. I will have to find a few ways to give up the personal interaction IN SOME WAYS so that we can gain our goals in others. And frankly, I want to slow down a little bit. There, I said it. I want to look sometimes at a calendar that has a few white boxes in it, nothing scheduled, in which I can either veg, or noodle, or rest, or ebb, or flow, as the winds take me.
There’s a difference between teaching what you already know, and discovering new things. My creative self - the one that started this whole thing in the first place - the one that loves simply making things that I’m proud of, experimenting with techniques that could fail spectacularly or be awesome, just noodling around to fulfill my own need to be part of the ebb and flow of inspiration - all of this has all but disappeared. I can’t remember the last time I scrapped a page that didn’t have a deadline or a “I’m making this for this” attached to it, rather than “I’m making this for me.” It makes me want to cry a little bit, how much I miss this. This thing, right now, is going to change. It is no excuse to say I have no time. I am the captain of this little ship of mine. ;)
I’ve been thinking so much about this - about this whole issue of “what do I do now?” “how can we keep from growing so much that we fall apart?” “how can I keep my priorities together and still be sane?” you know, things like that. Tonight, I made dinner (yay me!) from a GREAT WeightWatchers recipe. I wanted to make it for breakfast on Saturday, but I was busy puking my guts out. Now, feeling better tonight, I went for it, and it was delish!:
4 medium Yukon Gold potato(es), cut into bite-sized pieces
1 1/2 cup(s) onion(s), thinly sliced
1 1/2 cup(s) roasted red peppers, water-packed, thinly sliced
1/3 pound(s) turkey pastrami, coarsely chopped
1 tsp table salt, or less to taste
1 tsp black pepper, freshly ground, or less to taste
1/2 tsp rosemary, minced
1 tbsp olive oil
4 large egg(s)
Boil the potatoes until just underdone. Coat a 9x13 pan with spray, and add the red peppers (mine came in a jar and I had to slice them), onion, pastrami, and potatoes. Add the olive oil and spices, and stir to mix them all together. Bake at 450 for 30-40 mins until onions are soft.
Serve with fried or scrambled eggs.
Sorry - but the post HAD to have some redeeming value, right? LOL. Then we had family night, playing Wii. Rowen was really good at golf! And Ele and Jared ski jumped, while I just kept making snowballs of myself. Love the visual there. And so apt. At the end of our games, we had family prayer like we normally do, and I remember kneeling in the little circle that is my family - one small hand in each of my hands, across from Jared, and singing our prayer song. Then we folded our arms, and I said (because sometimes the prayers.. well, the prayers of a 5-year-old are either breathtakingly beautiful, or a catalogue of “please bless x” while she peeks around the room at books, the TV, the couch, and so on), just before Rowen started her prayer, “Now be reverent, because Heavenly Father is listening.” And voom! Like a huge heat rush I felt this sense of Heavenly love, and this feeling like, “YES. HE IS.” And it was in capital letters just like that. I cried through Rowen’s prayer, because mine was answered, too.
And that’s where I am right now.
No specifics. Possibly looking to add to the team a bit - that seems to be something that might help.
It will take a little while to figure out the specifics. I hope, that you will bear with this process, whatever it might bring. I hope you know how awesome you are.
There are places for so many things in life. For faith, and marriage, and family, and work, and fun, and sleeping, and laughing, and dreaming up big dreams, and encouraging, and giving hugs, and being grateful.
Have you been here where I am? To a place like this before? Are you in a place like this now, and waiting to hear “YES. HE IS.”? Happy Monday evening to you, and let’s discuss. :)